Is Vulnerable Narcissism Sabotaging Your Relationship, Unknowingly? Carpe Diem

For the partners also check out this:

Wikipedia has a simple explanation of Vulnerable narcissism — Wikipedia

But let’s go a level deeper

Let me ask you this

  1. Did you first have a series of relationships with people you are very interested in, that ended?
  2. Did you start thinking because they are “out of your league” (popular & outgoing, good looking, etc.), they were hard to influence, so you begin to believe that even if I say the right things, at the right time, I can never have the security I need?
  3. Did you begin to compare yourself to your ‘competitors’ who you perceive to be inferior, in order to boost your self-confidence?
  4. Did those past heartache experiences make you start thinking I should find a partner who I feel wants me more than I do?
  5. Did you begin thinking I should be the “one-up” partner who could do better but is choosing not to, as Dean C. Delis, author of The Passion Trap, puts it?
  6. Did the unhealed past relationship wounds inside you stay unhealed because you maneuvered around those wounds by just finding a “one”-down” significant-other?
  7. Did you let these unhealed wounds inside you come out to the forefront through projection?
  8. Did you first think of the “one-down” as the right partner, and you have found yourself developing more and emotions for them naturally slowly, but then you started saying, to yourself and others, that you feel are over them?
  9. If you thought that you were the “one-up,” did you never begin to realize over time that if you are always the “one-up,” and they always the ‘one-down,’ neither of you is growing?
  10. Do you have an exact script to what to do for everything that makes you “superior” to hide rather than heal your inner lack?

If you answer Yes to 5 of these questions, you probably have been unknowingly sabotaging your relationships. If you answer Yes to more than 7 of the questions, then you definitely have been sabotaging your relationships, unknowingly!

Is it sabotaging all your relationships?

  • Does your anxiety prevent you from enjoying in the moment love out of fear that they might walk away?
  • Does that anxiety give you the need to run away before they do?
  • Do you always find yourself thinking about what might not work out than might work out?
  • Do you always think of the ‘New Supply’ of partners out there?

You are cheating on your present moment with your past

The constant ghost of the better unknown

Let’s talk about new supply, or of chances of new supply that you may already have in the corner. Maybe you were having an emotional relationship with someone else, but this person has kind of been in the back.

Maybe you are still already forming this relationship and you are having that lingering anxiety if the new supply would be someone who you always feel the need to entertain and charm.

And if you don’t have a new supply/someone that’s really in your life,

You still think to yourself, at least I know who I have my eye on,

but isn’t that sabotage

You understandably project on the relationship to soothe that anxiety of the unknown

Besides having your eye on a specific new supply or if you are feeling unsure about the new supply, you begin to find yourself thinking that your girlfriend/boyfriend is no longer the person that you want, to soothe the anxiety of the unknown.

Again finding” yourself thinking about what might not work out than might work out”…

The current

They disappointed you by their behavior, and you started feeling they are no longer the person that you thought they were for a multitude of reasons.

This may not be a lie to yourself

Neither it is true

Maybe because you perceived that they were a certain type of person at the beginning of the relationship.

They made mistakes along the way. They disappointed you.

Still now

You may do believe they will finally get their act together. But you don’t feel like continuing at the moment, you sabotage…


You feel about them differently.


Your perception of their actions or attitude — you feel like this isn’t the person I thought I want; you feel they became something different.

The truth is:

They might not necessarily become different; they could have just become newer healthier versions of themselves.

Their behavior might still be wrong, but the way they process the feedback became healthier.

Maybe they were at the beginning empath

What is Empath?

They put your needs, wants, desires, thoughts, and feelings ahead of their own. It is their perceived need to try hard to meet others' expectations to give others what it is that they need so it’s always an extreme focus outside of themselves.

If they acquire empathy skills as adults, it is usually a byproduct of a certain or general crisis that leads them into the path of deep self-awareness.

As they become more self-aware, they should have become more empathetic first to themselves (many times they don’6, and then they vainly try to rescue just their partner).

So when they see someone with who they empathize, they feel the need to overplay the rescuer.

They suppress, and they suppress their feels, all of a sudden one day to kind of just either they are going to unleash and react very irrationally all of a sudden, get over upset,

or withdraw.

How you might have seen this in your relationship with them?

They avoided tough conversations. They waited to have an uncomfortable conversation with you. That turns into days, weeks, or even months.

They didn’t want to hurt your feelings or upset you; there never seemed to be the “right time” to bring things up. They initially swept their true feelings under the rug.

The proverbial boat is rocked anyway in the form of occasional fights about possibly unrelated issues.

It takes time until they realize that it didn’t really help you when they try to be your rescuer because they see that what they were trying to do is fix your problems and not let you come to those conclusions yourself.

That realization was their first to become a healthier version of themselves

How did they become ‘healthier?’

Over time, the relationship-centered them and gave them the necessary security, transforming them slowly into their healthier non-codependent self.

They adopted a self-directed stance

Now they have a generally relaxed view toward others’ approval or disapproval.

They begin to think, “we are all flawed; I’ll continue my personal growth with my loved one and support theirs if they needed me to.

But because you have unhealed wounds from past relationships that you worked around, you don’t see it now this way.

You projected

You saw their attitude as defensiveness (which partially is).

The pain of your past unhealed wounds still makes you want to deflect what it … that you’re really feeling now

You are going to want to deflect because for most of us we perceive it as too painful to sit in the space ‘if I did something wrong.’

It’s a lot less painful (in the short-term) to maybe blame the relationship with them as the reason you feel this way

If that’s your case, you have to own that and rebuild yourself with a patient and willing significant-other

Such a relationship will give you the foundation to build your self-awareness. As your self-awareness grows, you begin to heal your unhealed past relationships’ wounds, and in the process, slowly get rid of your mind-created projections and insecurities.

As you do, the relationship’s dynamic will change, and you will feel joy day in and day out!




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Mark Justin

Mark Justin

Interest in FinTech, Deep Tech, Social Psychology, Neuroscience & Neuropsychology, Health and Longivity, and Global Polictics.