Don’t Rebound. Instead, Focus on You, Dopamine and Oxytocin
Don’t hang up on the idea of having a particular deadline before you date again. But also work on your self-awareness, so you could know when it feels right. And also, work on your self-management so you don’t hurt other people on your post-breakup recovery path.
And you might have just done that. You rushed into dating someone who might or might not have been a great partner for you, to fulfill your mind’s desire for company. Then she asks you where this is going, you tell her ‘I’m not at the right time in my life….’ You can guess what happens next.
But why do we do that?
The mind is the problem…
You may feel that circumstances outside of your control (a breakup in this case) are causing and creating your loneliness, desire, longing, and/or frustration.
Emotion: Your brain’s/body’s reaction to reaction to your mind
Your mind is the creator of these emotions. Example: You hear a song or watch a movie that reminds you of an ex-partner, followed by longing and/or desires arise….. Which are conditioned mind responses.
One way to help you go through this is to recognize that those feelings of desires and longings, for example, are NOT ‘Out There’ there but are created by your mind.
Your mind seeks relationships, security, experiences, and pleasures, which is natural
Till you get there, your mind wants to boost its ultimately fictitious sense of self with an unconscious expectation that longings and desires, in this case, will fulfill it.
See your mind as an impersonator
See your mind as an impersonator that pretends to be you. You probably heard the phrase ‘the mind is a beautiful’ thing/tool, which it is. It is true. But also the mind could be a problem.
The problem comes when ‘you seek your self in your mind,’ and then that takes over your whole life. Rather than a constant secure sense of self, your self becomes a reaction to the circumstances that surround it. Your sense of self would then be derived from the ever-changing content of your mind.
Sad about a breakup
Your mind is conditioned that sadness from a breakup equates to a need for an immediate partner. Basically, you ‘YOU’ becomes no more than just ‘THOUGHTS’ in your head. Those thoughts drive your emotions/feelings……. And your feelings drive actions that you might later regret.
A healthier approach
From Dopamine to Oxytocin
You Can Get Yourself to Fall Out of Love
Let’s say you find yourself thinking about your ex-partner
When you are in love with someone, your mind portrays everything about them as special. How they talk, how they dress, how they walk, how they smile, the street they live on, ………………… your mind portray all as special to you.
That portrayal by your mind is a dopamine trigger. After the breakup, reminders of that person trigger the same dopamine hit need reaction. But now you can’t fulfill your brain’s ‘mind-triggered’ need for Dopamine with the presence of your partner — ex-partner.
What CAN you do now?
First, recognize that your mind is overtaking YOU.
Immediately work on something that requires your concentration. Anything, even if it’s mindless.
And then comes…..
Do something that you truly enjoy
You explore and undertake some relatively difficult challenges. Your brain then releases Dopamine. Dopamine gives you a sense of pleasure and increases your motivation to pursue the anticipated reward.
‘The anticipation of reward,’ rewards your brain. Notice, I said anticipation. Our brain ‘makes’ Dopamine in ANTICIPATION of reward not because of the actual reward. Think for example, the anticipation of sex versus post orgasm.
Dopamine excites and drives you through the long road of your passion
………AND SO ON AND SO FORTH
Plus the more you distract your mind with doing something you love, the less energy you hand your mind to ‘use’ for wallowing.
And it does get easier….and the memory will fade
Oxytocin……and finding your life partner
If you have naturally high levels of oxytocin, you are probably empathetic, trusting, and generous. By having these three traits, you can connect well to other people in social interactions. Connecting with others gives you a ‘calming and soothing feeling,’ which releases more oxytocin.
The extra oxytocin strengthens your new human connections even more, giving you even more ‘calming and soothing feeling,’ which again releases oxytocin.
….AND SO ON AND SO FORTH
And the more of that, the faster for you to see (notice I said see, not meet), see that life partner!
So tell your mind to shut up if it injects into your brain fear of being alone. Recognize the false insecurities when your mind tells you that you’ll never do better, and get excited about your life and the future again!